I woke up this morning singing and dancing to the Luther Vandross tune; I Won’t Let You Do That To Me! What a great way to start my day!
The funny thing is that I wasn’t speaking of folks, events and circumstances outside of myself, but, the internal voices, the old self-destructive behavior patterns and the naysayer residue left behind from all of those who never believed in me, as well as the obstacles to victory which I must remain determined to overcome. I’ve been aware for years that nothing can stop me from accomplishing what I desire, yet, somehow, at the most crucial moment, self doubt always slows my progress.
The strange thing is, I know my power. I’ve been aware of it for as far back as I can remember and seem to enjoy allowing things to fall into a complete state of chaos before I draw upon it. I guess it’s an addiction to the rush of adrenalin that most adventure junkies get when they bungy jump, sky dive, or any other event that gives you the feeling of falling from a great height.
I recently came to the conclusion that I am wasting too much time with this minimally productive behavior and determined to become alert and on guard against this behavior by placing myself in the moment and dealing with things as they send signals that they must be dealt with now, rather than waiting for the moment right before everything goes to hell before I am motivated to deal with it.
I use to look at this behavior as procrastination. I have come to realize that it is not procrastination, but laziness. This is sort of like the person who allows their house to become totally disheveled and only decides to clean up when they know company is coming. My life is my house, the place that I live and I only decide to cleanup when it is such disarray that I can’t stand living here anymore. I see this and that moving into disorder, yet, I sit by and watch from my mind’s perripheral vision as the clutter rises and abounds until there is only one direction for me to move. Than and only than, do I decide that I can take it no longer and must do something about it. Needless to say, I than expend ennormous amounts of energy trying to fix what should have never been broken in the first place.
Second guessing myself is usually the platform that this chaos begins. I spend hours, days, months, sometimes even years, thinking about the appropriate action to take to handle any given situation. I think about it a lot. Thinking is not living. It’s an assimilator of reality; like playing video games. I go through all the mental gyrations, but at the end of the game, nothing is changed in reality. The dust has still gathered. The cobwebs are numerous as more confusion about choices comes into play as I play the mind games regarding my situations. I am sure that somewhere in the recesses of my mind there is a fear that I will make the wrong choice, that I will not like the outcome of my decisions, hence the need to play everything over and over in my mind ad infinitum until the thing which should be addressed has grown into a monster of unbelievable porportions and I am stuck in a chaotic situation which I than have to work my way out of.
So this morning I finally decided. Never again, will I allow me to do this to me! I will no longer waste time and energy in a probability fantasy within my mind and will now live my life in the moment; dealing with things as they happen as opposed to trying to decide how to deal with them. I have enumerable experience in resolution, there is no reason not to act, not to live because I have told myself that I must think things through carefully before making a choice. It’s all a cycle of repitition and nothing that comes is any different than anything that has been in my life before. I have the tools, the skills, the courage and the ability to use them in unison, expertly, to insure victory on all fronts. No! I won’t let me do that to me!