I was born a kind, loving and compassionate person, as I am sure we all are. The indoctrination we receive pushes this aspect of ourselves down into a place which makes it hard to see sometimes. With the help of those who have already been infused with the negative aspects of life and living they aide and abet those forces that shape us into being so much less.
I was recently watching a movie which showed a young woman who had been in private school all of her life. This movie was set in Montana in the 1960s. The woman, returning home to a life she thought she remembered, lived by the rules she had learned before she left. Those rules were built upon trust and compassion of those of the same race; in this case Native American. One day, while hitch-hiking a ride back home, the two men who had provided this aid became aggressive and tried to force her to drink alcohol, which she refused. The passenger jumped into the back seat where she was riding and attempted to assault her. Fortunately, she was able to open the door and threw herself from the moving car. When the men realized that she was not apparently injured, they sped off. The thought which came into my mind was: “Now she’s had an experience that has moved her from trust to fear.”
This thought was the catalyst that allowed me to understand how we are wounded and change to accommodate fear inducing experiences. In the case of the aforementioned young woman, this experience led her to become promiscuous and a drug and alcohol abuser. Of course there were several other variables involved, but this is not about her story, but, mine. I realized that I too, had become changed by my experiences and the fear that they induced. With this in mind, I immediately became introspective and decided that I would peel the layers of scared and wounded coverings from my psyche.
While beginning this work, I realized that this process had been happening on an unconscious level for some time now. The synchronicity of being influenced to watch this movie and have the profound thought which I had, were merely a matter of my subconscious self bringing the scope of its work to awareness. With awareness I begin working in harmony with my subconscious self to maximize the effects exponentially.
I called to mind the child I had been before all of the things that influenced me into changing had taken place. I remembered my loving, compassionate and loved self. I remembered my astounding appreciation for all things. I remembered! This awareness opened a well of desire to be that self which I perceive as my true essence and I wanted it!
I realized that some of those attributes had not changed; my generosity of spirit and my giving nature, for example. They had survived in spite of my experiences. Another thing I am aware of is that I have remained a loving person; unafraid to love no matter the cruelties I suffered at the hands of those I loved. In spite of everything, I had not become afraid to love. This gave me an exorbitant pride, that my capacity to love had never changed. I decided that I would be that loving person all the time and not just to those I brought into my immediate circle. I now express that love to everyone.
I think a lot of people think I’m affecting this behavior; that I don’t feel the love and affection that I express everywhere I am, but in reality, it is me doing what I do best.
There perceptions don’t have an effect on me as I am well aware of who I am. I also understand that this sort of response is merely their wounded selves being suspicious and afraid to accept without fear that which I freely give. In this understanding, I know that they are changelings as I use to be.